Thursday, June 30, 2011

Freight Train

Ah, life. It's a funny thing. It thrills and excites. Damages and disappoints. It encourages and inspires. Then kicks us in the guts and laughs. I have been struggling of late. On the surface, it's hard to tell. But from deep within, I am straining. Things culminate like they never have before. Instead of one or two incidents occurring each day, it's common for a number of incidents to join forces, creating a snowball effect.

This morning, preschool drop off was bad. As if we'd regressed a full 6 months, to those dizzying days in February. Angus' bottom lip quivered and the tears welled. Then tumbled. He held onto me and didn't want to let go. My heart shattered. We have been working through some anti-social behaviours lately and fine tuning how Angus reacts to situations at preschool. Very hard on everyone. Felix did one of his famous poo explosions, whilst clinging to my hip. So extreme he required changing in the carpark. From the preschool train wreck, we went straight to a doctor's appointment. A double whammy. Felix's immunisations and a routine procedure for me (the joys of being female).

By the time we came out of the doc's office, both of us felt tired and emotional. I called one of my dearest friends, because it's been a while since we spoke and I know she has been doing it tough too. I broke down. She listened. I listened. It was helpful. Until that call, I hadn't cried in I don't know how long. I just keep powering on, as only Mama's know how. In 2 weeks, I start back at work. Like a freight train roaring towards me. It IS the strain I feel from within. The underlying discomfort I feel every day. I am not ready to leave my baby or to extend the hours my little boy is in preschool. But I have to and it sucks. I know how lucky I am, to have incredible friends and a beautiful family. I know things could be so much harder and I am grateful they are not. I just wish I could stop this freight train, to restore order and regain control over the things that mean the world to me. 


  1. Big hugs, hopefully tomorrow is a better day . So good for you to get it "out", so not healthy to keep it inside xx

  2. Oh babe massive hugs to you. I know there's not a lot I can say to ease your mind but just know that you're an amazing Mumma doing what is best for your boys. It sounds like my week a couple of weeks babe. Why does bad stuff always hit us at the same time in life. It really doesn't seem fair does it? I'm glad you had your friend to have a good cry with, it really helps doesn't it.

    I hope you're feeling a tad better just getting it off your chest xxx

  3. Oh, Julie. You darling girl. I can feel the tension from here. Sending you a hug Hobart ♥ tonight. J x

  4. I've been there many a time - just continuing to push through and power on as I sink further and is so good to have a supportive environment around you and I am so glad that you have that. We can get through things so much better when we have a community around us that we can lean on when times are tough. Thinking of you. Motherhood is a tough gig!

  5. Sending you an internet hug... How I feel for your sitiuation. I remember those feelings so well. You will push on and to have a friend that you can talk to does help.

    Glad that you can post on your blog to get the extra support you need from us on the web.

    I hope it helps if only for a little bet.

  6. You are such a beautiful writer! Your writing really shows your heart. I feel so much for you. It is so hard to leave them - even when you know it's the right thing to do. Are you going back full-time?(I forget). Take care of you and enjoy these days with the boys.

  7. Hi Julie..feeling for you today. We all have rubbish days where nothing seems to work so don't feel bad. I hope you get time this weekend to have a bit of time out and some time with your kids too.

  8. Oh, deep cleansing breath. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Just take it one day at a time. Good luck, sending positive vibes your way.

  9. Oh - a heavy heart is no fun.
    You are onto it though.
    I don't realise how events / pressures are affecting me until after the fact half the time.
    Hope next week is that much better.


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