Dark Days

Last Tuesday happened... then time stood still. Watching, waiting, wanting so desperately to see that first little flicker of life. The first real assurance that everything was on track. There was no flicker. The look on my obstetrician's face said it all. I had often imagined what that horrible realisation might feel like. And in that moment, I knew. Devastation doesn't even come close. Tears fell into giant sobs of pain and sorrow. Confusion and questions of why racing around in my mind. Dates and symptoms and dreams became tangled. All of it, lost forever, in that moment.

I should be almost ten weeks along, instead, at the nine week mark I discovered our teeny tiny baby had stopped growing. Just weeks prior. So last Tuesday happened and we waited. For the inevitable. Only Scott and four others in the world aware of what I was going through. Finding it near impossible to talk about or express or even know what to think. Just living each day in a bubble. Trying to relax, enjoy my boys, forget the reality.

I am so very thankful for all that I have. For the fact that until now, I've never experienced an ache as deep and punishing and soul destroying. For the two beautiful, big, strong boys who fill my world with eternal joy. For a husband who is an absolute pillar of strength and an all round incredible human being. For the promise of new days and new possibilities and new adventures. As with Angus and Felix, I loved our baby from the minute I became aware of it's existence. The fierce need to protect and the unreasonable guilt kicking in from that same minute. But everything happens for a reason, I'm a firm believer. I have often struggled with acceptance in it's various forms. This past week has taught the most valuable lesson in facing things head on and accepting them for what they are. Maybe that is my reason right there.