Monday, February 20, 2012

Dark Days

Last Tuesday happened... then time stood still. Watching, waiting, wanting so desperately to see that first little flicker of life. The first real assurance that everything was on track. There was no flicker. The look on my obstetrician's face said it all. I had often imagined what that horrible realisation might feel like. And in that moment, I knew. Devastation doesn't even come close. Tears fell into giant sobs of pain and sorrow. Confusion and questions of why racing around in my mind. Dates and symptoms and dreams became tangled. All of it, lost forever, in that moment.

I should be almost ten weeks along, instead, at the nine week mark I discovered our teeny tiny baby had stopped growing. Just weeks prior. So last Tuesday happened and we waited. For the inevitable. Only Scott and four others in the world aware of what I was going through. Finding it near impossible to talk about or express or even know what to think. Just living each day in a bubble. Trying to relax, enjoy my boys, forget the reality.

I am so very thankful for all that I have. For the fact that until now, I've never experienced an ache as deep and punishing and soul destroying. For the two beautiful, big, strong boys who fill my world with eternal joy. For a husband who is an absolute pillar of strength and an all round incredible human being. For the promise of new days and new possibilities and new adventures. As with Angus and Felix, I loved our baby from the minute I became aware of it's existence. The fierce need to protect and the unreasonable guilt kicking in from that same minute. But everything happens for a reason, I'm a firm believer. I have often struggled with acceptance in it's various forms. This past week has taught the most valuable lesson in facing things head on and accepting them for what they are. Maybe that is my reason right there. 

38 comments:

  1. Oh Julie, I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and your loss. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and I really can empathize how much one can hurt. One day you are pregnant and full of love and hope...the next day that is all taken away. All I can say is that it really sucks!! I'm thinking of you tonight..xx

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  2. Oh Julie, words cannot even begin to convey how very sorry I am for your loss. Thinking of you lovely lady and sending lots of cyber hugs your way.
    xx

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  3. Oh Julie, big hugs to you my bloggy friend. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

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  4. So sorry your little one has died...it is a real love and a real pain you are feeling...let yourself grieve Julie...much love to you and Hubby xx

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  5. I don't know you, and I've never been through this, but I would like to say how very sorry I am to read this. From one mother to another.

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  6. Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to hear about this loss. Look after yourself... surround yourself with family xx

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  7. Oh Julie, I was just thinking about you today, I'm so sorry. We went though this 3 times and I can imagine how you must be feeling. Look after yourself, as you say, things happen for a reason.
    You'll be in my prayers
    Sandra x

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  8. Sending all our love and thoughts to you J.

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  9. Oh Hun i am so so sorry. I have been there too many times and I know how your heart must be aching. Have faith that there is a reason for everything. I believe the little souls we lose in a miscarriage come back to us, perhaps in your next pregnancy. That paticular little body just wasn't right for that little one at that particular time. BIG HUGs to you Jules. You are in my thoughts Hun xxx

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  10. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending hugs xxxx

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  11. Oh no!!! I'm so so sad and sorry to read this. Thinking of you lots and lots lovely Julie xxx

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  12. Thinking of you right now poppet. I am so glad you have the love and support of all your boys to get you through. x

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  13. Oh Julie, I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I experienced something similar between my first two kids. Discovered at 11 weeks that the baby had stopped growing a few weeks before. So many mixed emotions. Thinking of you and your family. xo

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  14. Oh Julie, so sorry to hear. I am thinking of you and sending you some love and light. Cat xox

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  15. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  16. I am so truly sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through.


    Sending you <>>

    Abbie

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  17. oh gosh, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You are right though, concentrate on the gorgeous family that you have, and keep on believing that things happen for a reason, even when we don't understand it.

    x

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  18. I'm so sorry Julie, I'm sending my deepest sympathies and lots of hugs to you today! xo K

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  19. Oh Julie, I have been worried about you as you have been so quiet.
    I'm so sorry. The exact same thing happened to me about 7 years ago, so I know what you're going through. Take care of yourself. You know where I am if you need anything. xxxoooxxx

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  20. Oh no, so sorry to hear this. I was only wondering yesterday if everything was ok as we hadn't seen your sunny face around here for a while. I can only imagine how you must be feeling - but keep smiling and enjoying those gorgeous boys of yours. Hope you pull through this tough time soon. Lots of love, Axx

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  21. i'm so so sorry. big hugs to you my lovely. alison xo.

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  22. Sending you my biggest best thinking of you wishes Julie.
    Such a sad thing to have to go through.
    Take care of yourself and know that we love you x

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  23. Oh Julie, I am so sorry to hear this news and of your pain and devestation. All my love to you xox

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  24. Oh my gosh Julie!

    I too, have been away from bloggy land, so I am so very sorry that I am only just reading this now :(

    I just feel so sick for you, nothing I can say will make you feel better. of this, I know for sure. But time, TRULY DOES HEAL.

    And every laugh or smile from those two precious boys ... that heals too, I promise.

    But know this, I am just so sorry. And I know ... if you will it, you will hold another baby in your arms.

    So much love to you, & your beautiful family xx

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  25. Heartfelt hugs Julie. Thinking of you all and hoping those beautiful boys of yours (and the big one) are smothering you with their love. (Sounds like they are xx).

    Agree on your most recent post, so much love stems from this wonderful blogging community. We are all thinking of you.

    xoxox

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  26. Oh Julie, I'm so sorry I haven't been around here lately and missed your sad news. I feel for you so much. I've been there too and the heartbreak is immense. I'm so glad you have such loving support and two beautiful boys to look at. That helps a little. xx

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  27. Oh Julie,

    I did miss something! Golly Gosh, so sorry for you sweeti, it must be really hard and all the questions, when there are no real answers. Take care of yourself and cherish the little people you have in your life already.x

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  28. Oh Julie, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel as this mirrors my first pregnancy (and miscarriage) exactly. Much love to you xx

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  29. Oh I'm so so sorry. I wish I'd read this earlier. I lost four little babies at various stages - two at 12 weeks and I know the awful emptiness and horror of seeing a screen that doesn't move. I am so sorry for you.. and send all my love and thoughts. This might not work for you, but the first time it happened I had noticed that there had been no butterflies in the garden and when I got home from the hospital, the garden was full of them. My lost baby became my little butterfly and I got a silver butterfly for my charm bracelet. it sits with the charms that represent my children, my own personal little reminder..... Keep strong, you will come through.... and after so much grief and heartache, I had my beautiful Ruby... Keep belieiving.. xxxxxx

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  30. Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Remember that it's good and healthy to allow your self the time and space to grieve and process. I commend you for sharing your experience here because by doing so you have reached out to other women who have experienced miscarriages and, in doing so, have offered comfort. May you come to find peace from your experience. Go gently and take care lovely one. Thinking of you x

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  31. Oh love! Sorry to be so behind the times with the news! Thinking of you all and sending lots of love xx

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  32. i just left a comment above, clueless to your turmoil. you are amazing, thinking of you and sending calm and peace, x ashley

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  33. Jules so sorry for your loss and heartache. I can't imagine. My thoughts are with you. xo

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  34. Sweet darling girl. You know what I think. We're all here for you. J x

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  35. Oh Julie. I'm SO sorry. This just happened! This is so new and raw, and it's okay to cry and cry and cry.

    I lost a baby between my two boys and found out the same way as you. I wanted to know why, so much to know why this baby had never survived. So many questions. So many things we don't understand.

    The love you have for your unborn baby will never fade. I often wonder about our unborn baby, and wonder.

    Big hugs to you my friend. I know your pain. And I'm here if you need to chat about it.

    http://kympiez.blogspot.com.au/2007/11/no-baby-this-time.html

    Much love. xx

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  36. I am so far behind with my reading Julie. Just catching up now. Bloody awful stuff. I hope you are feeling a little better this week.

    We had a similar experience. About the same way along (Community announcement - we got pregnant with twins after a month!).

    It is such a terrible experience full of questions (all unanswerable). Bron referred to it in a post on Maxabella loves - the face of a mother at an ultrasound with a blighted ovum. That was me. Stricken. I still have a pang when that baby would have been born.

    It is what it is Julie, but you will always feel this a little. Sending hugs x

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  37. Oh Julie, I've only read this post now, but I know exactly how you feel. I have just been through exactly this on the 24th of February. It was our 1st pregnancy, and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel next time around. We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks, which I think made seeing no flicker at 9 weeks so awful. I stopped feeling sick a week before my 1st prenatal appointment, I tried to convince myself it still might be ok. But we were both still utterly shocked. I decided to have a d&c. Now we're waiting to try again. Cuddle your two boys extra hard. thank you for sharing your story. I haven't been brave enough to write about this on my blog, partly because we didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, and I don't want to upset my MIL, as she reads my blog now. Thinking thinking of you.

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