Bittersweet

Ordinarily, I love a party. Love having them in the calendar to look forward to. Love the build up of excitement as the day approaches. The colour, the food, the fun, the happiness. Children's parties, I would say I enjoy just as much as the adult variety. Before I had the boys I would bound along to parties for littlies of friends and family, lapping up all that childish energy. I used to dream of the day when I too, would have my own little ones to dress up and take along, gift in hand, to party party party.

But on Saturday, I was forced to dig deep and drag that desire to party out of me. A first birthday celebration for a good friend's little lady and I knew I couldn't miss it. In reality, I didn't want to miss it. I just wished I could source that fervor, normally found in abundance within this big-kid-of-a-Mama. So I spruced myself and my big boy up, left an extremely fractious and overtired Felix with Nana and Pop, then rocked on over to share in the milestone for my friends and their daughter.

I'm sure glad I did. A sunny afternoon, at the home of people who care about me and my family, with friends who have also experienced the dark depths I've been to of late. Women who were open and honest and comforting, with their own stories of sadness and suffering. It was enlightening, in a way I wouldn't have expected. A day with a healthy mix of reflection on one instance and genuine elation for another. And the best bit, seeing a bunch of animated tots, zipping around in the Summer heat. Tots I have known and cared for, from the very beginning. 

Therapeutic

We have a connection, the coast and I. A spiritual, lasting connection, also shared by the other members of my little family. I find it difficult to imagine life away from the beach. I would struggle if we weren't readily able to visit where earth, ocean and sky meet. It has soothed and inspired me through rough and rocky periods and never fails to lift my spirits. At times, when they are as heavy as lead.

For three days in a row, following our heartrending news, we headed to beaches. From Newport one day, to Bondi the next and then Palm Beach for a whole new perspective. Because that is the beauty of this magnificent coast of ours. Landscapes are varied, waters are pristine and the culture relaxed. A comforting scene to be a part of.

Then of course, my precious boys. All three of them. Watching them playing together in the sun. Swimming and building and chatting away. The beauty of the world through the eyes of a child, is most certainly the innocence it holds. Blissfully oblivious to the painful, dark realities that often plague adults. And I am head over heels in love with that oblivion. Forever grateful for my pint sized saviours, for doing exactly what it is they do. 

Heart's Delight

My sincerest, most heartfelt thanks to all the beautiful bloggy friends who left comments or sent emails of love and support on my last post. It never ceases to amaze me how many precious souls are out there and I'm so touched to receive such kind words, when I've really needed them the most. The past couple of days have been pretty rough, but I'm confident that things will get better, the only way is up, as they say.

Whilst last Tuesday was a Valentine's Day to forget, there were two memorable moments that most definitely rate a mention. I will remember them always. First thing Tuesday morning, my postie delivered an express post parcel, containing the most exquisite string of coloured, crochet, bunting hearts. I won them over at this gorgeous lady's place and my word do I feel lucky to be the owner of them now. They're truly perfect and were the absolute nicest way to start a day... thank you again gorgeous lady.

On Tuesday afternoon, I was a little shell shocked, emotional and numb, to say the least. Angus' preschool were holding a 'meet and greet' for all the parents and children to get to know one another better. It was a wonderful idea and Angus was looking so forward to the afternoon tea/party. My job was to bring along the fairy bread and I decided to use the heart cookie cutters and go with the Valentine's theme for the kiddies. Well, they were a hit and a half. Two plates gone in under five minutes. Angus devouring his weight in them himself. Through my puffy sunglass covered eyes, all I could see was the look of utter appreciation on Angus' sweet face. He still mentions that afternoon tea and those "fairy bread hearts Mama brought to preschool". Certainly a day of mixed emotions. 

Dark Days

Last Tuesday happened... then time stood still. Watching, waiting, wanting so desperately to see that first little flicker of life. The first real assurance that everything was on track. There was no flicker. The look on my obstetrician's face said it all. I had often imagined what that horrible realisation might feel like. And in that moment, I knew. Devastation doesn't even come close. Tears fell into giant sobs of pain and sorrow. Confusion and questions of why racing around in my mind. Dates and symptoms and dreams became tangled. All of it, lost forever, in that moment.

I should be almost ten weeks along, instead, at the nine week mark I discovered our teeny tiny baby had stopped growing. Just weeks prior. So last Tuesday happened and we waited. For the inevitable. Only Scott and four others in the world aware of what I was going through. Finding it near impossible to talk about or express or even know what to think. Just living each day in a bubble. Trying to relax, enjoy my boys, forget the reality.

I am so very thankful for all that I have. For the fact that until now, I've never experienced an ache as deep and punishing and soul destroying. For the two beautiful, big, strong boys who fill my world with eternal joy. For a husband who is an absolute pillar of strength and an all round incredible human being. For the promise of new days and new possibilities and new adventures. As with Angus and Felix, I loved our baby from the minute I became aware of it's existence. The fierce need to protect and the unreasonable guilt kicking in from that same minute. But everything happens for a reason, I'm a firm believer. I have often struggled with acceptance in it's various forms. This past week has taught the most valuable lesson in facing things head on and accepting them for what they are. Maybe that is my reason right there. 

Five fun facts

The lovely Anna over at Green Tea n Toast kindly nominated me for the Liebster Award over the weekend. I am normally fairly average at fulfilling these ones, but as it's only five relatively little known facts about me, I have this one sorted. Thank you Anna for the compliment.

* On one of our first dates to the movies, I fainted on Scott. Out cold for what he describes as "an eternity", but was actually only about thirty seconds. Apparently many things ran through his mind... the popcorn was poisoned... she's had a seizure... how am I going to explain to her parents I let her die at the movies?! I just don't do gore and violence in my movies and The Way Of The Gun definitely wasn't the right choice for me.

* In complete contradiction to my previous fact, I can't get enough of Tv shows Dexter, Sons of Anarchy and Breaking Bad. All brilliantly written and produced. They're among my favourite series... needles to say I don't watch the gory bits.

* Love the smell of bacon cooking... won't touch it with a ten foot pole to eat. Strange.

* Today I secured tickets to Lady Gaga's Born This Way tour. Never thought I'd be going to a Lady Gaga concert, but absolutely can't wait. The gal's got serious talent.

* Although I'm a big girl now, I still can't go past the swings at the park. I secretly love when there is a spare one, so I can have a go. Something about that butterfly feeling in my tummy, the wind in my face and the memory of childhood days just gets me every time.

Now to pass the honour on to five other bloggers I love to read... and they may choose or choose not to take part, no pressure ladies:

Karla@ Iron Mum Karla

Jen@ Let it go

Veronica@ Mama Jots

Alisa@ MonAlisa Design

Nat@ Muddy Farm Wife

That's my fun day

We had every intention of heading down to Bondiesta today, an annual South American Festival. Until we discovered it would cost our little family of four a touch over eighty dollars for the privilege. We were honestly expecting this one to be a free, family inspired, community event, as most of the festivals in Bondi are. But like other families we noticed doing a quick swivel on their heels at the entrance, we decided to give it a miss and make our own fun. Not a very difficult task on beautiful Bondi Beach, on a perfect Summer's day.

A leisurely walk along the promenade alongside the beach to start off. Followed by the most delicious vegetarian nachos I've ever tasted (I am putting it out there). In fact all the meals were just divine. Next up, New Zealand Ice Creams in the sun. Angus and I normally share a child sized serving, but he's now graduated to his very own children's icecream. I have a new partner in crime to share with from here on. Topping the day off nicely, with a play at the park before home time. A wonderful, relaxing Sunday... all for well under eighty dollars.

Play

It's been another ho hum couple of days around here. Teething is now the most likely cause for Felix's unsettled sleeping patterns. At least I'm hoping it is, as I am fast running out of answers. So desperately wanting to know that he will in fact go back to being the good little sleeper he used to be. He is a spirited handful, morning, noon and night at the moment. Really testing the limits, really throwing his weight around, really doing my head in.

The weather kept up it's consistently poor reputation this week. Days have been long, frustrating, tiring... for all of us. Poor Angus has watched more (educational) television over the past three days, than he has in his entire life. I feel so sorry for the boys on these rainy days. As their Mama, it is my responsibility to keep them entertained, stimulated and interested. Hence why in a moment of desperation today, a friend and I decided we'd venture to an indoor play land.

It certainly filled a void for the afternoon. The kids letting loose, running, jumping, rolling, bouncing. It was good to watch. Made us laugh. Eased some of the pressure I'd been feeling about our tedious days at home. I even received some thoughtful words from a fellow Mama of two boys. As Felix scorched past her legs, leaving me apologising in his wake, she sensed my uneasiness. "Don't worry, my two were exactly the same, you've just gotta embrace it". Sage advice.

As I always say, lucky he's cute... impossible not to love.