Ah, life. It's a funny thing. It thrills and excites. Damages and disappoints. It encourages and inspires. Then kicks us in the guts and laughs. I have been struggling of late. On the surface, it's hard to tell. But from deep within, I am straining. Things culminate like they never have before. Instead of one or two incidents occurring each day, it's common for a number of incidents to join forces, creating a snowball effect.
This morning, preschool drop off was bad. As if we'd regressed a full 6 months, to those dizzying days in February. Angus' bottom lip quivered and the tears welled. Then tumbled. He held onto me and didn't want to let go. My heart shattered. We have been working through some anti-social behaviours lately and fine tuning how Angus reacts to situations at preschool. Very hard on everyone. Felix did one of his famous poo explosions, whilst clinging to my hip. So extreme he required changing in the carpark. From the preschool train wreck, we went straight to a doctor's appointment. A double whammy. Felix's immunisations and a routine procedure for me (the joys of being female).
By the time we came out of the doc's office, both of us felt tired and emotional. I called one of my dearest friends, because it's been a while since we spoke and I know she has been doing it tough too. I broke down. She listened. I listened. It was helpful. Until that call, I hadn't cried in I don't know how long. I just keep powering on, as only Mama's know how. In 2 weeks, I start back at work. Like a freight train roaring towards me. It IS the strain I feel from within. The underlying discomfort I feel every day. I am not ready to leave my baby or to extend the hours my little boy is in preschool. But I have to and it sucks. I know how lucky I am, to have incredible friends and a beautiful family. I know things could be so much harder and I am grateful they are not. I just wish I could stop this freight train, to restore order and regain control over the things that mean the world to me.